(Okay, since Jonah posted a placeholder for the 1000th post, hopefully this won't mess with that...?)
But I just wanted to say congratulations to all of this blog's high school graduates! I was actually able to attend LC's graduation, and that was some awesome walking you guys did.
*hugs*
You're finally done! Celebrate!
English Nobility incest is fun; it's like instead of sibling rivalry, they have sex!
28 May 2006
25 May 2006
The Compendium Thousandth Post Fancy-Pants Celemabration!
Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams to find himself transformed into a giant cockroach.
"Damn," he said, "I'm supposed to be hosting the Compendium thing today, and now I'll never make the 5:00 train."
(A week later, backstage at some FANCY PANTS THEATER.)
Michael: So, I don't think Mr. Samsa's coming. How we doing on the back-up host?
Jonah: Well, I'm calling all the old regulars. Sam keeps cutting out. Wait, I got him.
Samuel L. Jackson: What the **** is it?
Jonah: Well, someone cancelled and we were hoping you could come and host the Compendium 1000th Post Fancy-Pants Celebration.
Samuel L. Jackson: Well, I'd love to help, but I'm a little busy dealing with all the SNAKES on this MOTHER-****ING PLANE! (hangs up)
Michael and Jonah: Oh yeah, the snakes and the plane...
Michael: What about Laurence?
Jonah: His Fancy Pants are at the cleaners.
Michael: Oh.
(NATHAN and MARTEN walk in, dressed as a MONKEY and a PIRATE, respectively)
Nathan: Guys, the audience has been waiting for a week, and even betting on Monkey vs. Pirate has ceased to entertain them. Some of them have gotten really hungry and a few are gnawing their own legs off. Erin's out there now with a guitar singing some Star Wars songs, but if we don't start soon...
Jonah: Ok, I know who to call.
Michael: Comstock boy, if you call Shatner again, I swear I'll -
Jonah: Ok, I don't know who to call. We need a hero.
(SUPERMAN, BATMAN, SPIDERMAN, WONDER WOMAN, The HULK, The FLASH, half a dozen X-MEN, The POWERPUFF GIRLS, The FANTASTIC FOUR, The GREEN LANTERN, HERCULES, and PAUL in a RIDICULOUS costume show up in various AMUSING and DESTRUCTIVE ways.)
Jonah: I'll never get tired of that. So what I need is a host for the Compendiu-
(All the SUPER HEROES, upon learning the nature of the need, DISAPPEAR as quickly as they APPEARED, except for the GREEN LANTERN.)
Green Lantern: I'll do it.
Jonah: Yeah, except we want someone people have heard of.
(The GREEN LANTERN does the Arrested Development DEJECTED SNOOPY WALK.)
Marten: Did anyone notice that that one superhero looked kind of like Paul?
Paul: (emerging with only one PANT LEG on) Nonsense. I've been here all along.
Meanwhile, on stage:
Erin: Bye, Bye, Mr. Anakin Guy
Maybe Vader, Some day later but- (dodges tomato) - You're just a (dodges gnawed off leg)
Ok, this is ridiculous. Now I may not actually play guitar, but I am doing my best here and-
(SUPERMAN, presumably on his way out, swoops by and snags a HUGE ANVIL that was about to hit ERIN as she runs BACKSTAGE)
Erin: Guys, maybe we should just cancel this thing.
Michael: Yeah, the “can't find a host” gimmick isn't even new. I've been reading the archives, and we totally had the same gimmick in the 500th post spectacular.
(Everyone GLARES at JONAH.)
Nathan: Plus there's been two more posts so this will really be the thousand and second, which is so not worth celebrating.
Paul: Where's Thomas anyway? He's never been mysteriously absent from the blog before.
(Everyone LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY.)
Jonah: I've got it! You know what we can have in this celebration we never had in the last ones? Pictures! That will buy us time! And I'm prety sure zombie Frank SInatra and the cast of RENT are still hanging around.
"Damn," he said, "I'm supposed to be hosting the Compendium thing today, and now I'll never make the 5:00 train."
(A week later, backstage at some FANCY PANTS THEATER.)
Michael: So, I don't think Mr. Samsa's coming. How we doing on the back-up host?
Jonah: Well, I'm calling all the old regulars. Sam keeps cutting out. Wait, I got him.
Samuel L. Jackson: What the **** is it?
Jonah: Well, someone cancelled and we were hoping you could come and host the Compendium 1000th Post Fancy-Pants Celebration.
Samuel L. Jackson: Well, I'd love to help, but I'm a little busy dealing with all the SNAKES on this MOTHER-****ING PLANE! (hangs up)
Michael and Jonah: Oh yeah, the snakes and the plane...
Michael: What about Laurence?
Jonah: His Fancy Pants are at the cleaners.
Michael: Oh.
(NATHAN and MARTEN walk in, dressed as a MONKEY and a PIRATE, respectively)
Nathan: Guys, the audience has been waiting for a week, and even betting on Monkey vs. Pirate has ceased to entertain them. Some of them have gotten really hungry and a few are gnawing their own legs off. Erin's out there now with a guitar singing some Star Wars songs, but if we don't start soon...
Jonah: Ok, I know who to call.
Michael: Comstock boy, if you call Shatner again, I swear I'll -
Jonah: Ok, I don't know who to call. We need a hero.
(SUPERMAN, BATMAN, SPIDERMAN, WONDER WOMAN, The HULK, The FLASH, half a dozen X-MEN, The POWERPUFF GIRLS, The FANTASTIC FOUR, The GREEN LANTERN, HERCULES, and PAUL in a RIDICULOUS costume show up in various AMUSING and DESTRUCTIVE ways.)
Jonah: I'll never get tired of that. So what I need is a host for the Compendiu-
(All the SUPER HEROES, upon learning the nature of the need, DISAPPEAR as quickly as they APPEARED, except for the GREEN LANTERN.)
Green Lantern: I'll do it.
Jonah: Yeah, except we want someone people have heard of.
(The GREEN LANTERN does the Arrested Development DEJECTED SNOOPY WALK.)
Marten: Did anyone notice that that one superhero looked kind of like Paul?
Paul: (emerging with only one PANT LEG on) Nonsense. I've been here all along.
Meanwhile, on stage:
Erin: Bye, Bye, Mr. Anakin Guy
Maybe Vader, Some day later but- (dodges tomato) - You're just a (dodges gnawed off leg)
Ok, this is ridiculous. Now I may not actually play guitar, but I am doing my best here and-
(SUPERMAN, presumably on his way out, swoops by and snags a HUGE ANVIL that was about to hit ERIN as she runs BACKSTAGE)
Erin: Guys, maybe we should just cancel this thing.
Michael: Yeah, the “can't find a host” gimmick isn't even new. I've been reading the archives, and we totally had the same gimmick in the 500th post spectacular.
(Everyone GLARES at JONAH.)
Nathan: Plus there's been two more posts so this will really be the thousand and second, which is so not worth celebrating.
Paul: Where's Thomas anyway? He's never been mysteriously absent from the blog before.
(Everyone LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY.)
Jonah: I've got it! You know what we can have in this celebration we never had in the last ones? Pictures! That will buy us time! And I'm prety sure zombie Frank SInatra and the cast of RENT are still hanging around.
Erin: Ooh, Penguin!
Jonah: Nope, I tried them. And Morgan Freeman. All of my connections with famous black men seem to be for naught. It looks like I’m just gonna have to host this one, myself.
(Jonah dons a REALLY SNAZZY TUX and some really FANCY PANTS and walks out on stage)
Jonah: Ladies and gentleman, thank you so much for waiting. At long last, I present to you, the Compendium 1000th Post Fancy-Pants Celebration!
(The lights come up on 1000 DEAD or DYING ELEPHANTS, an overflowing FOUNTAIN, and all of the LETTERS in “Compendium 1000th Post Fancy-Pants Celebration” lying SHATTERED on the ground, as well as a lot of DEFLATED BALLOONS.)
Jonah: Wow. Weeks and weeks of disuse can really put a damper on a big opening number. I hope the chorus members got out ok. So, on account of us being behind schedule and some guest cancellations, I’m just gonna skip straight to speeches. We’ll start with Erin.
Erin: I remember when Marten first asked me to join Compendium of Stupidity. It was fall of my senior year, and I was in Once in a Lifetime. Marten suggested I join Compendium, and I said: "What?" "Compendium." "What is that?" Ah, so long ago. I remember my first post. Actually, no I don't. But I am going to go into the archives and look up my first post. Did you guys know that the archives still read Planned Impromptu Antique Bathtub Sex? Ah, here it is. The title of my first post was "The New Day is A Great Big Fish." The first thing I said on Compendium was, "Well, well. It finally has worked! Erin here, I finally got in this thing, so... here I am." And here I still am.
Well, well. I have made it through many milestones on Compendium, like the infamous blog wars (remembered occasionally with the refrain, "Remember when Michael and Erin hated each other?"), graduation and college and moving and, most importantly, the last Star Wars prequel. I would like to thank the little people, like Stupid Roommate 1 and Stupid Roommate 2: Ele... no, wait, Stupid Roommate 1 would be "Electric Boogaloo." And certain jerkface boys, and theatre directors, and teachers, and Rob Lowe, and all of our special guest stars over the years, and penguins, and the people who gave us hardwood floors and, most of all, George Lucas, without whom none of this would be possible. The next thousand posts are a Great Big Fish.
(Surviving AUDIENCE MEMBERS applaud)
And next we’ll here from founding members, Nathan and Marten.
Nathan: Pants. Pants Pants Pants Pants. PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANTS! PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANTS!
Marten: Well, I don’t think I can follow an elegant speech like that one, but here goes. As the founder of the Compendium, I'd just like to say a few things. This all started as a, well, a thing, but it's turned into a way for all of us to keep track of each other, to keep our closest friends posted on whats going on in our lives and plan the occasional get-together. The Compendium of Stupidity has become blah blah blah friendship blah blah blah cornerstone blah blah blah for the people, by the blah blah pillar of democracy blah blah troubled times blah blah blah. In other words, keep posting.
Statler: What does blah mean?
Waldorf: That’s why they call it a blAHg – all they ever do is blah, blah, blah!
(Both LAUGH.)
Jonah: And next is the famous Paul:
Paul: When Jonah asked me to say something for the blog's 3000th post, my first thought was what the heck am I going to write for it? It is the 3000th post after all. 3000 is quite a milestone isn't it? What makes 3000 so special anyway? Who decides that it is an important number? I can see why people make a big deal about going from 999 to 1000. You're starting on a new digit. Perhaps, I thought, it had something to do with the 3. Does the number 3 have some special significance?
Jonah: Should we stop him?
Michael: No, this is funny.
Paul: In Roman numerals, 3 is the largest number with as many lines as the number it represents. The Romans, tiring of trying to decipher between III, IIII, or IIIII, started using other symbols for larger numbers. This is also true in Chinese numerals. Examples of the significance of the number 3 are everywhere including: the Holy Trinity in the Christian faith, and the 3 doshas, or weaknesses, in Ayurvedic medicine in India. 3 is considered a lucky number in Chinese culture because it sounds like the word for alive, compared to the number 4, which sounds like the word for death. People often count to three to help a group perform a synchronized action. In this case the numbers 1 and 2 allow others to predict when 3 will be said, and when they should perform the action. There's the whole Monty Python and the Holy Grail sketch. In leetspeak, 3 is often substituted for the letter E. Luck is often said to come in 3's. The peace sign has 3 points. The Triforce symbol from the Legend of Zelda consists of 3 triangles. 3 is the closest whole number to both pi and e.So yeah, thats all wikiped.. I mean, I have on the number 3. I suppose the best thing about 3000 is that we don't have to wait for 10000 posts to do a big celebration post. Happy 3000th post.
Michael: Yeah. Happy 3000th. (snicker) Anyway, onto my speech.
Jonah: Traditionally, we let someone else introduce us.
Michael: (sticks out his tongue) It's our place. A place that Erin can spin simple tales of collegiate misadventure into an epic to rival The Odyssey. Where Marten is able to brief us on the events of his life and occasionally blow off some steam. Where Jonah regales us with his writing as Poet Laureate of the Blog. Where I'm able to wax rhapsodic about something that amused me, most likely something television-related. Nathan's there too. I'm not sure I'm able to come up with an elegant turn of phrase to describe his contributions, but damn it, he was there too.In the last three years, we've had good times and bad. But for every blog war, there was the epic three-month Star Wars Celebration-aganza-athon. (I'm in the minority, but y'all had fun.) For every misguided hire (Hi Rachel and Matt!) there was that time that I renamed the blog "Planned Impromptu Antique Bathtub Sex." (It's still titled that in the archives; someone should get on that...)
Now is a time of celebration in our lives. Jonah, Nathan and Marten are headed to a prestigious college (I might add that I almost said "prestigious cornfield" there. My bad.) that is worthy to have the three of them as students for the next four years. I'm bound for points south to a college that while addled and dotty and extremely disorganized has its heart in the right place. Erin. Well....uh...she's a junior now, I guess? (I might add that Thomas and Sophia are doing something, but I can't for the life of me think of what. Speaking of which, has anyone seen them recently? I'm just saying.)
In the end, it was a place for us. F***. Now I have Westside Story stuck in my head. Anyway, if anyone encountered our blog, I hope they walked away amused (or possibly disappointed if their search string involved "antique bathtub sex...") or a least felt like they hadn't wasted their time. But if it was just a place for us, where we were ever the only ones reading, then speaking for myself, you guys have shown me a hell of a damn time.
(Everyone APPLAUDS)
Jonah: Well, that’s our show. We hope to screw up less horribly next time.
Michael: By the way, you asterisked me. What the f***?
Jonah: I did it to Samuel L. Jackson, I had to do it to you too. Sorry.
(The CAST walks on stage and WAVES GOODBYE as the production credits roll down the SCREEN.)
(Two HOURS Later)
(A CAB pulls up next to the theater. A GIANT HORRIBLE BUG comically crawls out of the TAXI and skitters into the THEATER. It has an APPLE stuck in its HEAD and other gross bruises. Doing the bug equivalent of panting for breath, it arrives on the DARKENED STAGE at the EMPTY THEATER.)
Gregor Samsa: Hello Ladies and Gentleman and welcome to the… (realizes that no one is left) Oh, bugger.
(Gregor Samsa is SQUASHED by one of the few remaining ELEPHANTS.)
Jonah: Nope, I tried them. And Morgan Freeman. All of my connections with famous black men seem to be for naught. It looks like I’m just gonna have to host this one, myself.
(Jonah dons a REALLY SNAZZY TUX and some really FANCY PANTS and walks out on stage)
Jonah: Ladies and gentleman, thank you so much for waiting. At long last, I present to you, the Compendium 1000th Post Fancy-Pants Celebration!
(The lights come up on 1000 DEAD or DYING ELEPHANTS, an overflowing FOUNTAIN, and all of the LETTERS in “Compendium 1000th Post Fancy-Pants Celebration” lying SHATTERED on the ground, as well as a lot of DEFLATED BALLOONS.)
Jonah: Wow. Weeks and weeks of disuse can really put a damper on a big opening number. I hope the chorus members got out ok. So, on account of us being behind schedule and some guest cancellations, I’m just gonna skip straight to speeches. We’ll start with Erin.
Erin: I remember when Marten first asked me to join Compendium of Stupidity. It was fall of my senior year, and I was in Once in a Lifetime. Marten suggested I join Compendium, and I said: "What?" "Compendium." "What is that?" Ah, so long ago. I remember my first post. Actually, no I don't. But I am going to go into the archives and look up my first post. Did you guys know that the archives still read Planned Impromptu Antique Bathtub Sex? Ah, here it is. The title of my first post was "The New Day is A Great Big Fish." The first thing I said on Compendium was, "Well, well. It finally has worked! Erin here, I finally got in this thing, so... here I am." And here I still am.
Well, well. I have made it through many milestones on Compendium, like the infamous blog wars (remembered occasionally with the refrain, "Remember when Michael and Erin hated each other?"), graduation and college and moving and, most importantly, the last Star Wars prequel. I would like to thank the little people, like Stupid Roommate 1 and Stupid Roommate 2: Ele... no, wait, Stupid Roommate 1 would be "Electric Boogaloo." And certain jerkface boys, and theatre directors, and teachers, and Rob Lowe, and all of our special guest stars over the years, and penguins, and the people who gave us hardwood floors and, most of all, George Lucas, without whom none of this would be possible. The next thousand posts are a Great Big Fish.
(Surviving AUDIENCE MEMBERS applaud)
And next we’ll here from founding members, Nathan and Marten.
Nathan: Pants. Pants Pants Pants Pants. PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANTS! PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANTS!
Marten: Well, I don’t think I can follow an elegant speech like that one, but here goes. As the founder of the Compendium, I'd just like to say a few things. This all started as a, well, a thing, but it's turned into a way for all of us to keep track of each other, to keep our closest friends posted on whats going on in our lives and plan the occasional get-together. The Compendium of Stupidity has become blah blah blah friendship blah blah blah cornerstone blah blah blah for the people, by the blah blah pillar of democracy blah blah troubled times blah blah blah. In other words, keep posting.
Statler: What does blah mean?
Waldorf: That’s why they call it a blAHg – all they ever do is blah, blah, blah!
(Both LAUGH.)
Jonah: And next is the famous Paul:
Paul: When Jonah asked me to say something for the blog's 3000th post, my first thought was what the heck am I going to write for it? It is the 3000th post after all. 3000 is quite a milestone isn't it? What makes 3000 so special anyway? Who decides that it is an important number? I can see why people make a big deal about going from 999 to 1000. You're starting on a new digit. Perhaps, I thought, it had something to do with the 3. Does the number 3 have some special significance?
Jonah: Should we stop him?
Michael: No, this is funny.
Paul: In Roman numerals, 3 is the largest number with as many lines as the number it represents. The Romans, tiring of trying to decipher between III, IIII, or IIIII, started using other symbols for larger numbers. This is also true in Chinese numerals. Examples of the significance of the number 3 are everywhere including: the Holy Trinity in the Christian faith, and the 3 doshas, or weaknesses, in Ayurvedic medicine in India. 3 is considered a lucky number in Chinese culture because it sounds like the word for alive, compared to the number 4, which sounds like the word for death. People often count to three to help a group perform a synchronized action. In this case the numbers 1 and 2 allow others to predict when 3 will be said, and when they should perform the action. There's the whole Monty Python and the Holy Grail sketch. In leetspeak, 3 is often substituted for the letter E. Luck is often said to come in 3's. The peace sign has 3 points. The Triforce symbol from the Legend of Zelda consists of 3 triangles. 3 is the closest whole number to both pi and e.So yeah, thats all wikiped.. I mean, I have on the number 3. I suppose the best thing about 3000 is that we don't have to wait for 10000 posts to do a big celebration post. Happy 3000th post.
Michael: Yeah. Happy 3000th. (snicker) Anyway, onto my speech.
Jonah: Traditionally, we let someone else introduce us.
Michael: (sticks out his tongue) It's our place. A place that Erin can spin simple tales of collegiate misadventure into an epic to rival The Odyssey. Where Marten is able to brief us on the events of his life and occasionally blow off some steam. Where Jonah regales us with his writing as Poet Laureate of the Blog. Where I'm able to wax rhapsodic about something that amused me, most likely something television-related. Nathan's there too. I'm not sure I'm able to come up with an elegant turn of phrase to describe his contributions, but damn it, he was there too.In the last three years, we've had good times and bad. But for every blog war, there was the epic three-month Star Wars Celebration-aganza-athon. (I'm in the minority, but y'all had fun.) For every misguided hire (Hi Rachel and Matt!) there was that time that I renamed the blog "Planned Impromptu Antique Bathtub Sex." (It's still titled that in the archives; someone should get on that...)
Now is a time of celebration in our lives. Jonah, Nathan and Marten are headed to a prestigious college (I might add that I almost said "prestigious cornfield" there. My bad.) that is worthy to have the three of them as students for the next four years. I'm bound for points south to a college that while addled and dotty and extremely disorganized has its heart in the right place. Erin. Well....uh...she's a junior now, I guess? (I might add that Thomas and Sophia are doing something, but I can't for the life of me think of what. Speaking of which, has anyone seen them recently? I'm just saying.)
In the end, it was a place for us. F***. Now I have Westside Story stuck in my head. Anyway, if anyone encountered our blog, I hope they walked away amused (or possibly disappointed if their search string involved "antique bathtub sex...") or a least felt like they hadn't wasted their time. But if it was just a place for us, where we were ever the only ones reading, then speaking for myself, you guys have shown me a hell of a damn time.
(Everyone APPLAUDS)
Jonah: Well, that’s our show. We hope to screw up less horribly next time.
Michael: By the way, you asterisked me. What the f***?
Jonah: I did it to Samuel L. Jackson, I had to do it to you too. Sorry.
(The CAST walks on stage and WAVES GOODBYE as the production credits roll down the SCREEN.)
(Two HOURS Later)
(A CAB pulls up next to the theater. A GIANT HORRIBLE BUG comically crawls out of the TAXI and skitters into the THEATER. It has an APPLE stuck in its HEAD and other gross bruises. Doing the bug equivalent of panting for breath, it arrives on the DARKENED STAGE at the EMPTY THEATER.)
Gregor Samsa: Hello Ladies and Gentleman and welcome to the… (realizes that no one is left) Oh, bugger.
(Gregor Samsa is SQUASHED by one of the few remaining ELEPHANTS.)
Were you there?
Happy Glorioius 25th of May, Discworld fans!
Today is the day we remember the Glorious People's Republic of Treacle Mine Road and wish a very happy birthday to Young Sam Vimes.
...see how the little angels rise. How do they rise up, rise up, rise up, How do they rise up, rise up high?...
It wasn't even a real Talk; it was a lecture on the evils of homosexuality and pre-marital dancing.
Today is the day we remember the Glorious People's Republic of Treacle Mine Road and wish a very happy birthday to Young Sam Vimes.
...see how the little angels rise. How do they rise up, rise up, rise up, How do they rise up, rise up high?...
It wasn't even a real Talk; it was a lecture on the evils of homosexuality and pre-marital dancing.
09 May 2006
The Truth Shall Make Ye Fred
I think it is worthy of note that our very own Jonah totally pwned the Indianapolis Star the other day with his letter to the editor about the removal of soda machines from schools.
Go Jonah! Go Jonah!
It wasn't even a real Talk; it was a lecture on the evils of homosexuality and pre-marital dancing.
Go Jonah! Go Jonah!
It wasn't even a real Talk; it was a lecture on the evils of homosexuality and pre-marital dancing.
03 May 2006
And now you stay dead.
I am merely posting just so I can post at the same time Michael is. We were taking some kind of math exam core 40 thingy. I hope the computers explode or something. that would be fun. Meanwhile, Michael is finishing his post, and I'm listening to the shufflufugus. That is what I call my iPod now. I'm also being dorky and buying lightsaber parts because my sound board fried. I guess I made some bad connection when adding a new switch. I have released the magic smoke, it will make sound no more.
I no longer work on LC Current. Horrigan and I had an official "falling out" when I would not leave the room to blow my nose. Well, that, and I skipped the block when they didn't need me, but the whole nose blowing thing was the silliest bit of bitchy on top of several silly things she had done that day. I'm sorry if someone doesn't know their lines for one acts, because she has declared that she will turn off the lights and publically apologize that one acts can not continue because people haven't prepared. I bet we'll get through the first two, though, and I'm in the second, so come anyway.
Also, if you want to, come to the choir concert. It might be fun. I might be singing "Anything You Can Do" with someone.
It wasn't even a real Talk; it was a lecture on the evils of homosexuality and pre-marital dancing.
I no longer work on LC Current. Horrigan and I had an official "falling out" when I would not leave the room to blow my nose. Well, that, and I skipped the block when they didn't need me, but the whole nose blowing thing was the silliest bit of bitchy on top of several silly things she had done that day. I'm sorry if someone doesn't know their lines for one acts, because she has declared that she will turn off the lights and publically apologize that one acts can not continue because people haven't prepared. I bet we'll get through the first two, though, and I'm in the second, so come anyway.
Also, if you want to, come to the choir concert. It might be fun. I might be singing "Anything You Can Do" with someone.
It wasn't even a real Talk; it was a lecture on the evils of homosexuality and pre-marital dancing.
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